Deep Stolen Thoughts, by Jack Handy

Reading through this c-razy midwesterner (oxymoron? methinks yes.) Kevin's blog (Thanks Kev!) I found a bunch of great Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy ('member those?):

Here's a few good ones for you old farts:

That crow seems to be calling my name, thought Caw.

(y'all know I got a Crow thing)

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When I die, i hope they say of me, Damn (s)he owed me a lot of money.

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If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

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I told my nephew I would take him to Disneyland. We got in my car and I took him to a burned out warehouse.
"Oh no!" I said, "Disneyland burned down!"
He cried and cried, but deep down I think he thought it was a pretty good joke.

***

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.

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If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

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Isn't it sad to think that families can be ripped apart by something as simple as wild dogs?


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If trees could scream, would be be so cavelier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, and for no good reason.

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If you ever fall off the sears tower go real limp, like a dummy and someone with catch you because, hey, free dummy!


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Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?!"

***

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

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(you greedy americanus)